I should be in heaven now, but I'm not. By a miracle - I'm here. I know that God has decided to keep me here and do the work He gifted me to do - play the piano and help people experience genuine realness. I plan to express His miracle every day through my concerts, recordings and relationships with my patrons.
In order for you to see how much light is in my life now, I'll have to ask you to come through the darkness for a short time first.
I went through "health issues" at a young age. To "fix" them, I did everything the doctors said for many years. That was the belief system I was raised with. It led to drugs and surgery, both of which went horribly wrong and left me with permanent damage. The doctors took no accountability and told me I'm fine. I am still working on forgiveness and letting go of resentment. The damage is complex and extensive but not visible on the outside. It had ruined much of my life, holding me back from experiencing many potential joys.
But not anymore. The joy I have today is so deep. I am so thankful for the people who have raised me and trained me to make my own decisions.
The next part is darker than the first. Again, I'm letting go of resentment and forgiving every day.
No less than six prominent family members treated me a certain way for many years. I was called "the sick one" and "insufficient", while they fluffed up their exterior image with remarks about how awesome I am at music. And they were very impressive to society - they ran fantastic homes, gave to the community, looked really good in their pictures and boasted about how they looked after me.
They didn't - they abandoned me every time I need post-surgery care or other dire needs. One time I had to go outside in 30 degree weather, chip wood out of the ice-covered wood pile and feed it into a wood burner because the radiant heat system had failed and the house temperature had fallen to 40 degrees. All with fresh incisions and I wasn't supposed to move for at least three days. Plus I had to cook, clean and care for my three cats and a large home.
Over the years, I was unable to heal. I was essentially left for dead and was being used to fuel their perfect images. Same with the doctors.
The damage done to me was severe. I sought counsel and by degrees my life started to change for the better. I started to see the truth and began standing up for myself. It didn't go well, I got major push back. I eventually had to break ties and flee for my life.
That was over a decade ago. Things continued to improve but I still had to go through more to find balance.
One of the first things I did was stop listening to doctors. I discovered that all these years, I wasn't "the sick one" or "insufficient". I was poisoned. Poisoned by bad food, then by bad drugs, then malled by surgery, and cut down by toxic people.
Even though the doctors told me never to exercise again, I went out and did the opposite. I took up longsword training, horse vaulting and eventually surfing - my teenage dream. It was delightful to get back to being an athlete again. It was grueling work, but the pain shifted from the bad kind to the good kind.
And I had to do it alone. No one there to cheer me on or help me with my home or my cats.
Alone - I was so used to that. Eventually I started to realize that I needed kind, trustworthy people. That has been its own challenge and I am grateful that discernment is now a huge part of my life. I am grateful for all the kind people who have come alongside me and helped me heal and grow into something new. I have embraced my nurturing side and now love to be supportive of others.
Never Alone - I am so grateful for my church upbringing in Los Gatos. We were all about togetherness and teamwork, whether on the ball field, in the choir loft or helping people move and settle in. I loved our little community. It's the reason I have been able to reach out for help now, because I believe that there are many that care.
Two of my favorite phrases are:
"Many Hands Make Light Work"
and
"Slow is Smooth.....Smooth is Fast"
